Fatherhood

Triple the Work but Great is the Reward: Lessons on Stepfatherhood

When a man chooses to marry a woman with children, he is not only committing to her—he is also embracing the responsibility of stepping into the role of father. Becoming a husband brings its own responsibilities. Becoming a dad doubles the load. Becoming an instant stepfather triples the weight of responsibility in ways that cannot be fully grasped until you walk through it. But when you are walking with God, He strengthens, equips, and encourages you for the journey.

I know this because I lived it.

My own father was present in my life but not really a participant. He provided materially, but he was not relational, supportive, or engaged. He never modeled the type of father I longed for, and because of that, I had no example to follow. When I married a woman who had a young daughter, I assumed it would be easy to step in and help raise her.

At first, it looked simple. My wife was loving, patient, and nurturing with her child. Their relationship was filled with joy and friendship. I thought, “I can do this! How hard could it be?” What I did not realize was that my wife’s connection with her daughter had been built over years of sacrifice, sleepless nights, and countless intentional choices. She had poured into her daughter’s heart and created a safe and loving environment. I tried to step in as if I could pick up where she left off, but relationships are not inherited—they must be built.

The truth was, I struggled. My selfishness, pride, and stubbornness kept me from connecting in the way my stepchild needed. I was content with surface-level involvement—showing up at sports events or helping with school projects—without truly opening my heart. Over time, my flaws drove a wedge between us. My wife often had to serve as the buffer in our home, which was not God’s design for the family.

But then God stepped in.

When I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ, everything began to change. The process was not instant or easy. My old ways fought back, but God was patient. He began healing the wounds from my own father’s absence. He showed me that love is not simply saying the right words but reflecting His heart through compassion, patience, and sacrifice.

As God reshaped me, I began to see my stepdaughter the way He sees her—precious, unique, and deeply loved. Today she is grown, a wife and a mother herself, and an incredible woman. I often look back and wish I could have been a better father in those early years. I have had to ask for forgiveness and acknowledge my failures. Yet I also know God has been at work, redeeming what was broken and restoring our relationship for the future.

Scripture may not specifically use the word, “stepfather”, but they are there. Joseph was a stepfather to Jesus.  He loved, protected and provided for Jesus like any father would. If you are a father or stepfather, the Bible offers timeless wisdom for men in these roles. Paul writes, “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience” (Colossians 3:12). And again, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, lest they become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). These are not optional suggestions but essential commands for anyone called to fatherhood.

Being a stepfather is not about replacing anyone. It is about reflecting Christ. Love in your heart is meaningless if it is never expressed in ways that meet a child’s God-given needs. With God’s help, even painful beginnings can be rewritten into a story of redemption.

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Application Questions:

1. If you are considering marriage to someone with children, are you prepared to embrace the responsibility of fatherhood?
   
2. What areas of your character still need God’s transformation before you can love well?
   
3. How are you investing in your children or stepchildren beyond simply being present?
   
4. Do you need to apologize to your wife or children? Are you willing to humble yourself, ask forgiveness, and let God restore what may be broken?

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Are You Leading Like Christ?

When we experience difficulty in a relationship, particularly in marriage, we are often quick to point to the other person as the problem. “She doesn’t listen, she doesn’t help, she won’t work with me.” But Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:5 to first “take the log out of your own eye.” In other words, we are to deal with our own sin and shortcomings before addressing those of another.

For this reason, when it comes to leading your wife when it seems she doesn’t want to follow, husbands should look to themselves first and reflect on the following:

Are you leading her and your family in a way that’s worth following?

As the husband, you are charged by God to lead. It is a man’s responsibility to protect, provide, and set the vision and culture for the family. The most basic part of this is to provide financially. First Timothy 5:8 says that any man who does not provide for his family “has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” We should be working to provide.

But our responsibility does not end there. Too often, men take care of provision while leaving the spiritual, emotional, and directional leadership of the family to their wives. We need to be pastoring, teaching, and leading our families in the ways of the Lord, echoing Joshua’s declaration: “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:15). If we refuse to do so, why should our wife and family follow us?

Are you loving your wife with Christlike love?

Ephesians 5:25 tells us clearly, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.” Christ is our example for how to love our wives—with sacrificial, unto-death love. Why? Because He is the head of the Church. With headship comes the call to service. Jesus said in Matthew 20:26, “But whoever would be great among you must be your servant.”

In God’s Kingdom, those who lead must first serve. Our love for our wives must be defined and demonstrated through sacrificial service. There is always the temptation to pull out the scorecard and compare how much we do for her versus how much she does for us. But if the scorecard is not heavier on your side as the man, then it’s out of order. Christ has done more for His Bride than the Church could ever return. The same should be true of husbands who love their wives according to His model.

Are you communicating the vision and direction clearly?

Finally, have you clearly communicated your heart and vision for the family in a way your wife understands and feels like a collaborator and partner in? You and your wife are one flesh and should be walking through life as such. You are not a dictator. Marriage isn’t a boss/subordinate relationship.

We err when we either fail to set a direction or bark out orders like a commander. Instead, let’s partner with our wives, love and pastor them, and cast a Christ-centered vision that we can pursue together.

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What to do next.

Contemplate these questions and give yourself an honest evaluation. Where can you begin to improve and become more like Christ? No matter where you fall short, there is one final encouragement: pray for your wife. Whether she is walking with you or resisting you, pray for her, intercede for her, and bless her.

We are the priests of our homes, so let us boldly approach the throne of grace and stand in the gap for our wives and families. As you step into your role as a leader with sacrificial love, ask the Lord to bless your wife, speak to her, and strengthen her to walk in the beautiful role He has created for her.

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Application Questions:

1. Are you leading her and your family in a way that’s worth following?
2. Are you loving your wife with Christlike love?
3. Are you communicating the vision and direction clearly?

YEAR ONE: Protecting the First Year of Your Marriage

At this point in my life, I’ve lost track of the exact number of weddings I’ve officiated or participated in—it’s probably close to 200. At almost every wedding, the couple asks their guests to share a word of wisdom or best wishes. Whenever I’m asked, I write down Deuteronomy 24:5:

“When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.” (ESV)

This verse has always stood out to me because it highlights how critical the first year of marriage is. From it, I believe we see at least three key principles:

1. Your First Year Is Foundational

The first year sets the tone for the rest of your marriage. You will establish rhythms, habits, and ways of relating to each other that will shape your future together. It’s like a ship setting out to sea—if the compass is even one degree off, it will end up far from its intended destination. Healthy habits must be formed early: serving one another, learning how to lead and follow, recognizing and appreciating each other’s strengths.

In our first year, my wife and I agreed to live by Paul’s instruction in Ephesians 4:26: “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” That commitment became a guardrail that has helped us through countless moments of disagreement.

2. Your First Priority Is Your Wife

Before marriage, a man may freely set his ambitions on work, projects, or personal goals. But once married, God calls him to reorient his priorities. Deuteronomy 24:5 even exempted a newlywed from serving his community or defending his nation. Why? Because his wife must come first.

Marriage means you are now “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Protecting your marriage comes before protecting your reputation, your career, or even your community. The strength of the family is the strength of the nation, and that begins with a husband cherishing his wife above all else.

3. Your First Goal: Pursue Happiness at Home

The command in Deuteronomy 24:5 is not merely to stay home—it is “to be happy with his wife.” In other words, joy, laughter, and delight are not optional extras in marriage; they are commanded.

I once heard a well-meaning man say, “Don’t try to make your wife happy.” I am glad I ignored that advice! A husband should cultivate an atmosphere of joy. Stress, work pressures, and life’s demands will try to steal it, but a godly man chooses to bring happiness into his home. Create space for laughter, fun, and memory-making moments. Years later, it is often those moments—not promotions or possessions—that will be cherished the most.

A Timeless Principle

As a Christian under the new covenant, I don’t take Deuteronomy 24:5 literally, but I do take it seriously. God gave us a timeless principle: protect the first year of marriage. Not as a burden, but as a gift, so that couples can enjoy the happiness He always intended.

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Application Questions

1. What habits are you currently forming in your marriage that will shape the next ten years?
2. In what ways do you demonstrate that your wife is your highest earthly priority?
3. What intentional steps can you take this week to bring joy and laughter into your home?
4. If you weren’t intentional about your first year, how can you start this year? It’s not too late to create new rhythms and patterns that bring happiness to your home.

WHEN ARE YOU READY TO GET MARRIED?

Marriage is a beautiful and holy institution—a good desire to have. It is a lifelong covenant and commitment before God. For this reason, men should be mindful of pursuing marriage only when they are truly ready. The pursuit of marriage should be the ultimate goal of dating. Dating isn’t an end in itself. Dating without marriage in mind can lead to a lifestyle and pattern where relationships become disposable. Because of that, it’s important to reserve dating for when marriage is a realistic possibility—either now or in the near future.

So, how do you know when you are ready to pursue marriage? Here are four questions a man should ask himself to determine if he’s ready.

1. “Am I ready practically?”

In speaking about marriage, Jesus said, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother…” (Mark 10:7). Practically speaking, are you able to move out of your parents’ house? Are you able to provide for your future wife and family?

This requires financial stability. You don’t need to have a million dollars in the bank, but you should be able to bear the responsibility of providing. If the answer is no, begin working on a plan to get there.

2. “Am I ready spiritually?”

Is your relationship with the Lord where it should be? Have you developed spiritual disciplines? Your future marriage will only be as healthy as you and your wife are. Are there sin habits or addictions you’re still fighting? Many believe marriage will fix these issues, but in reality, it often makes them worse.

Find freedom now. Develop spiritual disciplines so you can lead and pastor your future family well.

3. “Am I ready to lead?”

As a husband, you are called to lead and pastor your family. This starts by leading yourself. Do you have goals for your life? Are you developing character and discipline? Ask yourself: If my future daughter brought home a man like me, would I be okay with that?

This question isn’t meant to condemn or discourage, but to help you identify areas for growth so you can become the man God has called you to be.

4. “Am I ready to serve and to sacrifice?”

Ephesians 5:25 tells husbands to “love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” A Christlike husband serves and sacrifices for his wife. Are you ready to deny your flesh? You and your wife will be one flesh. Marriage is about unity. It will no longer be your money, your time, your goals, or your dreams.

True love is sacrificial. True leadership is service. Are you ready to put your wife and family before yourself?

Final Thoughts

Don’t be discouraged if your answer to any of the questions above is no. Ask the Lord to help you grow in those areas. Develop a plan. Don’t do it alone—find accountability in other godly men who will challenge and encourage you.

Take the time now to build the right foundation so that when you meet the woman you want to spend your life with, you are ready to love her, lead her, and walk with her in unity before the Lord.

Application Questions:

1. Which area(s) do you need to develop to be ready for marriage? How will you work on them?
2. How are you leading yourself? Do you have goals to keep growing as a man of God?
3. Are there godly men in your life who can speak into your relationships and marriage journey?

PARENTING WHEN IT GETS HARD
– Reflections on 51 Years of Fatherhood –

My wife Sue and I have been married for 51 years and are the proud parents of three adult children and ten grandchildren. Those who know our family might think we were model Christian parents. That was not always the case. But the desire of our hearts, our prayers, and—most importantly—the Lord’s grace covered our shortcomings.

Psalm 127:3–5 says: “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them…” While many hope to leave their children an inheritance, Scripture reminds us that our children are themselves the inheritance. They are gifts from the Lord. At this point in my life, more than ever, my children and grandchildren are my greatest reward.

Although I practiced these things imperfectly, here are several truths I’ve learned about parenting.

1. Parenting begins before you are a parent.

Pray for your children before they are born. Pray for their future spouses. Ask the Lord for prophetic words and promises concerning them. I received such words for my children and even for my grandchildren before they were born. It has been thrilling to watch the Lord fulfill them over time.

2. Being a godly father requires being a godly man.

Whether you realize it or not, your children see your actions, hear your words, and often discern your thoughts. You are their moral compass. Many children say they want to be just like their dad. In your case, let what they imitate be the character of Christ. No father is perfect, but our role is to point beyond ourselves to the Heavenly Father. Think of earthly fatherhood as the appetizer—God is the main course.

3. Love their mother well.

One of the greatest ways to love your children is to love their mother. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). A home marked by compassion, humility, self-sacrifice, and commitment gives children the security they need. Remember, you are shaping the next generation of husbands and wives.

4. Be intentional about the atmosphere of your home.

Parents set the spiritual tone. Ephesians 6:4 instructs fathers to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Deuteronomy 6:4–7 echoes the call to teach God’s Word diligently to our children. That means setting boundaries, protecting their innocence, and investing in their character development. Read Scripture and pray with them daily.

5. Invest time.

Relationship takes time, and time cannot be replaced. Have conversations about what matters to them. Don’t just give answers—ask questions and listen well. Encourage their interests, attend their activities, coach their teams, and be present in their school life. Set aside family nights with no phones and no outside distractions. Take vacations, explore new places, and broaden their horizons. These rhythms build bonds not only between parents and children but also between siblings.

Parenting is one of life’s greatest challenges, but it is also one of the greatest joys. It is demanding, rewarding, exhausting, and exhilarating—all at once. My encouragement to fathers is simple: make the effort to get it right. And even if you’ve stumbled, remember this—it is never too late to make course corrections. Your son or daughter may be waiting for you to take the first step.

Applications:

1. Start with prayer. Whether you are expecting children or are already a parent, begin praying daily for them and their future.
2. Model Christ. Evaluate your life. What are your children learning from watching you? Ask God to strengthen the areas where you fall short.
3. Love your wife openly. Show your children what Christlike love looks like in marriage.
4. Create a spiritual atmosphere. Read Scripture, pray, and set clear boundaries for what enters your home.
5. Invest intentionally. Plan time for one-on-one conversations, family nights, and shared adventures that strengthen bonds.