Relationships & Marriage

THE UNITY CHECKLIST:
7 Ways to Measure the Health of Your Marriage

A thriving marriage doesn’t happen by accident. Unity requires intentional work—humility, communication, and sacrifice. Ephesians 4:2–3 lays the foundation: “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

As men, we are called to lead our homes with vision, wisdom, and servant-hearted strength. But how can we know if we’re doing that well? Below is a practical “Unity Checklist”—seven key areas to help assess the health of your marriage and identify where you may need to grow.

1. Faith: Is Jesus First?

Matthew 6:33 reminds us to “seek first the kingdom of God.” A godly marriage starts with both spouses having a shared commitment to Christ. Your wife can’t be your savior—Jesus is. Is your relationship with Him your first priority? Are you pursuing spiritual unity through prayer, church, and the Word?

2. Family: Are You Aligned on Roles and Culture?

Are you clear on your roles as husband and wife? Are you embracing what it means to “leave and cleave” from your parents and to your wife (Genesis 2:24)? Talk through parenting styles, extended family dynamics, and cultural expectations. Is there a stepfamily, and are there boundaries in place?  Unity includes understanding past trauma, sin cycles, or challenges—like addiction or abuse—that could impact your home and intimacy.

3. Fidelity: Are You Guarding the Covenant?

Marriage isn’t a contract—it’s a covenant. Do you have strong boundaries with the opposite sex? How do you view divorce? Are you willing to prioritize your spouse above even your children? Hebrews 13:4 calls us to honor the marriage bed and keep it pure. Unity requires trust, transparency, and loyalty.

4. Free Time: How Will You Enjoy Life?

How do you unwind? What does your ideal day off look like? What about your wife’s? Disagreements about downtime, social media usage, or communication styles can create tension. Do your rhythms clash or complement? Are you willing to adjust to honor your spouse’s needs?

5. Friendship: Are You in Community?

Proverbs tells us we become like the company we keep. Who are the couples influencing your marriage? Surround yourselves with godly, healthy relationships. Don’t isolate. Learn from others—what to do, and what not to do. You’re the average of your five closest friends—make sure they reflect the kind of marriage you want.

6. Finances: Are You Unified in Stewardship?

Money can be a major point of conflict. Are you a saver or a spender? Do you tithe? Are your accounts joined or separate? Budgeting together is an act of trust and unity. Agree on where you’re living, what you’re giving, and how you’re preparing for the future.

7. Future: Are You Dreaming Together?

Do you have shared goals for the next 1–5 years? Are you building our plan or still clinging to my plan and her plan? God didn’t design you to compete with each other but to complete each other. Marriage is a mission, and your vision needs to be united.

Unity is not the absence of conflict—it’s the presence of commitment. The aim of problem-solving is not to win the argument but to win your spouse. God’s purpose for your life includes letting your wife help you, and vice versa. Use this checklist, invite the Holy Spirit into the process, and keep growing—together.

Application:

1. Schedule a “Unity Check-In” with your spouse and compare notes.  
2. Where is the strongest area of unity within your marriage? Which area needs to be strengthened?  Choose one area to focus on each month. 
3. Create a shared vision for the next 1-5 years.  Discuss family values, financial goals, ministry hopes, parenting plans, and begin dreaming together.  Revisit and revise your list annually.

THOUGHTS OF A MARRIED MAN

Have you ever thought about a couple that’s been happily married for a really long time, and wondered “How?!” Maybe it’s a couple you’ve known your whole life from church, or family friends you see at parties occasionally. Maybe it’s your aunt and uncle, or if you’re one of the lucky ones like me, your own parents. I think this reaction of shock and awe comes from statistics we learn young that “50% of marriages end in divorce,” and 50/50’s not exactly great odds in most situations. 

While this statistic is daunting, it should cause us to reflect on what the institution of marriage is meant to be in the first place, in contrast to how so many people have defined it. In Matthew 19:5, when Jesus was asked about divorce, he replies with Genesis 2:24, quoting, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ Then He expounds, “So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

This new “person” made of “one flesh” now has its own identity, needs, and purpose.

Marriages falter and fail, when one-half of this ‘whole’ spends more time focusing on their own desires, needs or impulses, rather than the needs of their marriage. These indulgences might range from uncompromising perspectives to personal ambitions to selfish habits and addictions. While we are born inherently selfish, if we enter into marriage with our selfish ambitions left unchecked and unsurrendered, we will find ourselves struggling to have a healthy, sustainable marriage.

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“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

– Ephesians 5:25

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Christ Loved…and Gave Himself Up for HER. This is the ultimate call to selflessness. Marriage comes with a command to serve our wives and our families. As we learn to humble ourselves as men and surrender our personal ambitions to God’s will, He will grant us the grace to lead our wives and families in love and humility.

Throughout my marriage, I have learned that self-serving pursuits, outside of God’s plan and timing, will never benefit my marriage in the long run. To be clear, I’m not talking about getting golf lessons to improve my handicap, or getting into a hobby with my bros- Please men: Get a hobby, and get some Bros! But I am talking about playing video games until 2am, because you’ve got to defeat the final boss…or an old habit that’s quickly becoming an addiction, because you can’t seem to stop scrolling, or drinking, or gambling.

Wherever you’re at, and whatever situation you find yourself in today, pause.

Allow the Lord to help you evaluate the state of your heart. We can pray this prayer like David prayed in the Psalms, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” – Psalm 139:23-24. 

As we pursue holiness, with a greater passion than we ever have before, God will transform us into incredible men of strength, honor, and integrity, and we will watch our marriages grow into happy, fun, fulfilling relationships.

Life Applications:

1. Are you seeking the Lord daily to reveal the state of your heart, as David did in Psalm 139?  What might God be showing you right now about your character, leadership, or attitude toward your marriage?
2. What “self-serving pursuits” might be undermining the health of your marriage?  Be honest—are there hobbies, habits, or hidden sins that you’ve justified but that are slowly eroding trust, time, or intimacy?
3. How are you actively loving your wife “as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her”?  What would it look like this week to sacrificially serve her needs above your own in a specific and tangible way?